Breast Cancer Reflections 2

a diagnosis

in  a slow dragging tempo, with medical staff

floating around like shells in a sea pool

and in the distance, Mahler forest horns in double thirds

calling through fog, voices about a biopsy

confused and afraid, I lie with a needle in my left breast

when everything started to sting

.

I remember that the morning flickered musty

and then, in my nauseousness, swam black

I was busy falling over backwards

freezingly cold, I fainted

dead

.

but the next morning was yellow

full of sunshine and  beta blockers 

swallowed for my anxiety

for the smashing, the brutally breaking 

of brown speckled well-disguised plover eggs

the anxiety over my first death

my so many deaths

the fear of a hollow needle to slip into me

to get pieces of tissue out

to transport it to the laboratory

to finally embody in cancer

handle with extreme care

.

even though I wasn't much a part of life later

I could see our children grow up

free in thinking, streetwise

beautiful, mature, clever and strong

I could see them marry differently, secularly

see them working privately

breathing in freedom

fresh breaths in clouds full of peace

full of friends

acceptance in love

between us

with Nishikigoi full of life, shiny and smooth

jumping in a farm pond, splashing silvery white

full of joy these playful fish

as we sprinkle food for them

endearing young fish, rose-pink, orange-red

when are you going to eat out of my hand?

I had to learn not to take my life so lightly

I still had to study the value of pure gold 

for a long time, to see it in myself and mine

but I could see my darlings grow up

in all the colours of our time

in all the colours that have fallen away

can koi carp bite sore?

can they eat out of my hand?

would we leave our words for the children?

🦋

© Annora Eksteen, 2025