Breast Cancer Reflections 4

sentinel lymph node biopsy

it is important in the treatment of breast cancer

to know what is going on in the lymph nodes

the sentinel lymph node, into which cancer cells

will first drain, was evaluated during my mastectomy

.

but when I heard the word: sentinel, I thought 

of Hamlet and the snowy wind that blew ice-cold 

on the ramparts of Elsinore Castle

where the weather turned away from his carefree days

and in changed turbid air

clouded over with sordidness

and he longed, oh he longed

for his good father

.

during my mastectomy

with a nuclear medicine technique

by fine needle aspiration, there were

lymph node cells obtained for analysis

a week later, I collapsed on the floor

and all I heard was the result of 

the pathology report, like a hollow 

footstep at the front door

.

axillary dissection afterwards, was the removal

of a block of tissue with nodes in the fat pad

where the lymphatic system was damaged and

where nerves then died in the process

— but I was later clean of cancer —

how should I have known, I have always been

psychologically ill, but then, from cancer I was

healthy and clean, as my life had always been

clean like my closed foggy mind

clean, rosy and beautiful, as everything always was to me

with blueberries, cranberries, currants and daisies, sunbirds

partridges and darling small antelope timidly called near to me

by my beautiful voice, my flute, and my guitar

.

there was a time when I played the piano

a time when I taught music to children

a time when I sang in churches

so many times I stared out of windows

while church bells rang

women drank tea with men

who stood thinking, discussing

the stale breath of Reverend Du Preez

but I became more and more interested 

in that which is the hard truth

and yet pretentiously, I continued to bob along

in lovely music's imagined realism

and then I, completely at ease

told them I’m lesbian, fluid woman, damaged

I thought that by this enlightened time

of the 21st century of the Common Era

it's okay with everyone, no matter who

but the teapots rusted

while they feasted on pot food

kīnnōrs cracked

after I conducted Va Pensiero

I  painfully swallowed ground Swarovski crystals

my larynx, oh! my gurgle hole! was cut

my vocal cords were injured

and I couldn't, to save my life

get over their rejections

I could not get over it

.

now: Miss Anne is not sorry

that she will not be able to come

to the weddings in the churches

of rejections

very delicate … at a distance

so float out, float out silently, float out

glide with silent clouds, glide

until everything disappears into the yonder

over the yonder farthest 

snowy mountains

the creeping appearance of the opening text

she wasn’t at all

well

the disappearing fading closing text

… somewhat reserved ...

she wasn’t 

at all

well 

.

but now

hurry my thoughts

hurry on golden wings

go to rest in forests

where sunlight flickers

and warm and fragrant

soft breezes

move

🦋

© Annora Eksteen, 2025